Carey - 1

“Jesus Christ”, Carey mumbled to her reflection, “I look like a sausage”. 

She had been searching the sale racks of the Harrisons Department Store with the intensity of a jungle cat stalking its prey. The dimly lit dressing room was littered with garments of every variety all strewn about her feet.

Had she wanted to dress conservatively or raunchy, did she want a red or black top? She did not know. But what Carey did know is that somewhere in this god-awful store, somewhere on one of the racks there MUST be something that didn’t make her look this, tremendously, FAT.

Was fat really the right word? 

She had gained a little weight since college but, hadn’t everyone? She was sure they had. So what if she was no longer a size 6. Was that really so terrible? Was being a single, 28 year old, SIZE 8 the worst thing there was? Fuck NO.

Carey knew plenty of women who would KILL to be a size 8- her chubby cousin Cindy for one. 

Being in the dressing at Harrisons brought back memories of a particularly traumatic experience she had the previous year when the two of them had gone shopping for a wedding dress for her cousin. Cindy had cried and sneered at the sight of her in every ghastly white gown she tried that day.

“Cindy, you look BEAUTIFUL in that dress”, Carey had lied, “honestly, you do!” 

Carey was trying so hard to convince her but it was not working and she was not entirely sure for how much longer she could keep it up. While Carey was not a combative person, and especially not a cruel person, Cindy had been pushing her to the limits of her good nature. 

JUST PICK A DAMN DRESS ALREADY, Cindy had thought. That was what she wanted to say, to scream at the top of her lungs. But she didn’t. 

“You just don’t understand Carey,” Cindy had sobbed, “you have always been beautiful and I have always been a… A WHALE!” she whined, “My wedding day is the ONLY day I will look beautiful. Well, the only day I am supposed to look beautiful anyway. But it doesn’t look like that is going to happen!” Cindy sobbed, “How can Mike even stand to look at me?” 

Cindy sunk onto the floor of the dressing room the way a petulant child might do when told that it was time to leave the park. She was a woman totally defeated; still wearing whatever white monstrosity she had managed to squeeze herself into. Carey sat down beside her and took both of Cindy’s hands into her own.

“Look at me”, Carey commanded. After a moment Cindy reluctantly met her gaze. “You ARE beautiful. You could show up to your wedding in a trash bag and Mike would have his socks blow off. He LOVES you! He is absolutely crazy about you.” Carey had told a lot of lies today, but this she believed to be a true and complete, stone-cold fact. 

“Do you… really… think so”, Cindy asked between  sobs. Carey smiled and nodded.

Carey removed her left hand from Cindy’s sweaty grip and held her ring finger up to her eye level and said “I do” Carey said with a laugh, “I really DO”. The two girls laughed and suddenly everything seemed lighter. 

Cindy did not find her wedding dress that day but eventually she did and Carey was right- she had looked beautiful on her wedding day. 

As Carey closely examined herself in the dressing room mirror now she began to feel pretty silly.

Was a date really worth this kind of aggravation? A month ago she would not have thought so. But after the last of her coworkers became engaged and the last of her close friends announced that her and her husband were pregnant Carey had begun to hear a TICK-TOCK echoing inside of her skull.

Of course there was no sound. Not really. 

The sound was an idea, a thought. It was a chilling thought and one that she could not just push away or forget about. A thought that everyone was moving ahead except for her, everyone was growing up and growing together while she was on the sidelines- very alone. All of her friends were becoming married, pregnant and fat while she was tirelessly pursuing a promotion at a job she didn’t even really like.

Her friends use to tease her corporate ambitions and Carey would passionately defend her single-ness. She had a career and there was NOTHING wrong with that.  Would they treat a man this way? Certainly NOT.

She was strong and independent and she was sure there would be time for romance later. She was sure that she would meet someone at work. She was sure it would happen… until it hadn’t. 

She was sure she was not envious of her married friends until she started to feel, well… envious! This ticking sound had become so loud; the longing for companion ship had become so strong, that Carey decided that she would do something about it.

Carey had never imagined she would use a dating APP but that is exactly what her friends had recommended. MeetAPP had seemed a little juvenile for her tastes but her friends assured her that it was definitely the best option, or at the very least AN option and that was better than nothing at all. 

For two weeks Carey’s profile sat. She got messages from “prospective suitors” if that’s what you want to call them. Carey had another word for them; CREEPS!

The exchanges would always start off the same way. An introduction would happen. A BAD introduction that usually read something like “what’s up” or “yo”. Then, that would be followed by a question like ‘what do you do for work’ or ‘what do you do for fun’ and when the small talk got stale they would ask for nudes or ask Carey if she would like to see their nudes and usually the answers to those questions were an abrupt NO.

Usually, with maybe one exception.

Carey was not proud of this but, she was only human after all and human beings are curious by nature. She was very impressed with his picture but far too humiliated to meet him afterwards so ultimately she decided to block him. She did not, however, delete the picture.

This trend continued until one day she received a message.

Why are you here Carey?

“Why am I here”, she asked herself out loud, “what the hell”? Before answering the strange question Carey decided to look at his profile. 

Shallow as it might sound, she had no interest explaining herself to someone she was not particularly attracted to. This was, after all, a dating APP. She wasn’t going to just give away embarrassing details about her life (or any details for that matter) to someone she could not see herself going on an actual date with.

After a few seconds of squinting at her smartphone and analyzing this mystery man’s profile Carey had decided that she would be more than willing to divulge embarrassing details to him. 

His MeetAPP profile said he was 27 years old, so he was younger but not by a large enough margin for it to really matter. He appeared to be relatively tall and fit. His hair was dark and short and his eyes were a transfixing emerald green. It looked like he was sitting down at a restaurant table and the picture appeared to be taken by whoever was sitting directly across from him. 

Carey was instantly jealous of whoever had captured this moment but she didn’t really know why. 

She pushed the feeling out of her mind.

In the picture he was holding one hand up, as if he was waving “hi”. Carey gathered from the pose that he might not have really wanted his picture taken but that he was playing along with whoever had been insisting. He seemed to be a good sport; he was showing off a white, nearly perfect smile.

His skin was tanned from the sun, Carey imagined he must be one of those people who enjoys hiking on the weekend. Carey was NOT one of those people, but she could see herself with one. Couldn’t we all? 

His name was William.

Carey tore herself away from Williams profile picture and went back the message screen.

Why are you here Carey?

“Well, what the Hell am I supposed to say to that?” she wondered.